Tis the season

Everyone does serious "What I'm thankful for" lists this time of year.   That's fine, but lets be honest they get to be a bit boring.  So, I thought this year I'd do a different kind of list.   This is completely tongue in cheek; facetious; funny.  I hope you enjoy, or if nothing else groan.  

I AM SO THANKFUL FOR:

1. A huge walk in freezer.  It gives me someplace to stack the bodies.
2. High unemployment.  When I fire one worthless employee there are 3 to take his place. 
3. Drunks.  We don't sell liquor in our stores, but when they ask for it, I tell them to look down Aisle #10.   They'll walk around the store for 15 to 30 minutes before they come back and tell me we don't have an aisle 10.  I then say, "That's right we don't, but if we had an aisle #10 that is where the alcohol would be."  
4. Mrs. Schnicklefriss.   Mrs. S comes into my store every other day to tell me about all her ailments and troubles.   After Christmas I'm going to find more room in the walk in freezer.  
5. A distribution center which sends me 20 of everything I don't need and didn't order, but they only send 3 of the one thing I ordered 50 of.   After Christmas I'm going to have to request a much bigger walk in freezer.  
6. Customers who want to return holiday gift cards.  I'M SORRY WE DON'T EVER REFUND GIFT CARDS.   The whole time I'm thinking, "Ha ha ha, go pee up a rope sweetie!"  
7. I make the work schedule!  I'm off Thanksgiving and Christmas...Sorry bout your luck suckers!!!  
8. Empty condom boxes stuck behind other merchandise.  I look at it this way, at least the thief isn't making more little thieves.  
9. Employees who call in sick on Black Friday. When they return to work they use our photo department to print photos of the rocking party they had on Black Friday.  NOTE TO SELF:  Find out how big they can make a walk in freezer.
10. Being able to make up my own title...Dictator of Store Operations.  Dictator is a better title than serial killer.  
11. The power to tell a selfish customer they can't buy more than the sale ad's limit.   The whole time I'm thinking, "Ha ha ha, go pee up a rope sweetie!"  
12. Having the company which builds walk in freezers on speed dial.  
13. Beer.  Nuff said.
14. Customers who come in the last few hours on the last day of a sale ad and complain that we never have anything in our sales ad. 
15. Beer, and a heart to heart with the guy making my newer, bigger walk in freezer.
16. My ninja teacher who is teaching me how to fill my new freezer without getting caught.
17. Industrial Strength Gas X. 
18. The bookkeeper who always gives me a 2Xlarge box of Bourbon candy.  For mine she uses a gallon of Makers Mark Bourbon... I sneak off to my walk in freezer for a quick drink piece of candy.      
19. Zoloft and Xanax...the gifts which keep on giving.  
20. Customers whining that we carried an item last year, but we don't carry it this year..."Oh, lord I need a beer, Zoloft, Xanax and someone get my walk in freezer maker on the phone!! STAT!!!"   

I hope that all of you have a stress free, happy, and healthy Thanksgiving!  

Lonnie

Is it possible to dislike fellow believers?

Many years ago I threw my very best friend out of my life.   My best friend was/is a Christian.   My friend was not only a Christian, but a pastor, and one of the best preachers I've ever heard.   There was and is no doubt in my mind that my best friend is a born again, Spirit filled believer in Jesus Christ.   So, how could I throw this Christian out of my life?  Simple, Christian or not this "friend" treated me like a door mat.   Sometimes even Christians can't start and maintain healthy relationships.   We all come to Christ broken, and some of us come to Him so broken we're toxic to ourselves and others. 

I knew the end of the relationship was coming a year before I actually told the person to leave my life.   The end didn't start with any offense given to me.  It was something I saw my friend do to a child.   And not just any child, but my friend's own child.   My friend used the child as a weapon against their own spouse.   The spouse had it coming, but the child was innocent.   When I saw how viciously my friend behaved toward their own child I knew our relationship would end.   A person, who can, without any remorse, say something so terrible and harmful in the presence of their own child, will have no compunction about offending anyone else.   I didn't know how, when, or the exact reason why the relationship would end, but I knew without any doubt whatsoever it would.   I knew my friend would give offense, my friend would attempt to foist all blame on me, there would be an ugly blow up, and my friend would use emotional blackmail in an attempt to manipulate me.   I also knew If I could get this person to listen to me they'd be saved a painful breaking judgment from God.  Remeber what Jesus said,  ^"but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him to have a heavy millstone hung around his neck, and to be drowned in the depth of the sea." If my best friend didn't listen to me I'd be tossing 'em out of my life, and they'd suffer a terrible breaking (at God's hands).   

Friend didn't listen, I threw friend out of my life, and my, now ex-friend, suffered a terrible break down in every area of life.  The marriage ended, ministry imploded, and fellow believers turned on my former friend like rabid dogs.   Again I knew it would happen, just not the particulars.

So, am I a prophet, since I knew how the future would unfold?   I am certainly no prophet, and aren't you glad???!!!   I didn't need to be a prophet. I'd simply had lots and lots of experience with the kind of hardened character my ex-friend had.  I'd seen such bad character every day of my life, because it was exactly the kind of character my own father had.   The personalities were very different, but the character; that part of our personality we make for ourselves or allow to be made in us, was the same.  My former friend was a controlling manipulator, who had a long road of destroyed relationships following close behind.   

Of course lets remember it takes two to tango.  People can't manipulate unless they are given opportunity and authority to do so.   I was a magnet for controlling manipulators, because I was weak, (a door mat) had no boundaries, and an unhealthy sense of self.   Suffice it to say, I'm not exactly that kind of person any longer.  I have boundaries, I'm quick to confront people, and I simply won't put up with people like that any longer.  The last controlling manipulator I had to have in my life, dad, is a pile of ashes, in a box, under my bed.   Yep, he's under my bed.   And he's the last control freak allowed in my life.   Dad's a box of ashes, and anyone who wants to act like him is welcome to join him.   I'm speaking figuratively of course.   I'm not going to attempt to stuff people into a box.   Life is too short for me to waste time with people who think they have the right to control and manipulate others.  I have a zero tolerance policy for manipulative control freaks.   It took me two full years to get over my best friend, but since that time I don't have any difficulty putting people out of my life.  

And what do you suppose my prayer to God was, after I put my best friend out of my life?   Do you think I prayed, "God, get my ex-friend, make 'em hurt the way they hurt me."?   Or perhaps I prayed, "God, make 'em miserable until they change and beg for my forgiveness on their knees."   I prayed simply this, "God, I want my friend back."   I never stopped caring, praying, and hoping.   I never once prayed a "God get my former friend," kind of prayer.  I would never pray such a prayer.   When I heard my former friend was going through financial difficulty, I gave anonymously.   I didn't like my former friend, but I never stopped loving my former friend.   

I did think of my ex-best friend, often.  I used to think of ways I could "help" this person grow into a better person.   That was a laugh, anything I could come up with was just me manipulating them to change.   Change doesn't come from manipulation.  Change comes to Christians through God working in us to conform us to the image and likeness of Christ.   Anything I'd have done to "help" would have caused terrible harm.  That's something I can't do.

We have to allow people to be who they are, no matter how terrible that may be.  We have to allow people to have the consequences they've earned for themselves.  One of my favorite old jokes is about an Amish farmer.  The Amish are total pacifists, and wouldn't do anything to directly harm anyone.  

The joke:  

One night a burglar broke into an Amish family's home.  Suddenly, a middle aged Amish man appeared.  He had an old fashioned lantern in one hand, and a gun in the other.   "Friend," said the Amish farmer sincerely, "I would not harm thee for the whole world, but thou art standing where I am about to shoot!"  

I've always found it so strange the way people think about certain things.  For instance, when someone is sentenced, after committing a crime, they say things like, "They threw the book at him,"  or, "The Court really stuck it to him good."  It's not the judge, jury, prosecutor, or anyone else who, "stick it to anyone."  "Do the crime, and it's prison time."   The guy who robs a bank is the guy who puts himself in jail.  The person who commits premeditated murder injects the lethal cocktail of drugs which will end his own life.   

My ex-friend had earned much worse than received.  For this I am grateful.  God knew just how to break my ex-friend, so that instead of destruction, freedom and a better life happened.  I am sorry for the pain that had to be endured, but I'm happier for what judgment has wrought.  My friend is happier with life now as well.  In fact whenever I ask my friend now, "How are you doing?"  The response is always, "Better than I ever deserved...I'm blessed!!"   And if you haven't already noticed, I've stopped using "ex-friend", and have begun to use "friend" again.  After 7 long years of estrangement we are great friends again.   

I never asked my friend to apologize to me, for anything.  As soon as I saw what God had done in my friend; how He had broken the controlling manipulator off their life, and suddenly, all of my issues dissolved.   I got an answer to prayer; I got my friend back.  I got a better, more true friend.   What I truly always wanted was my friend.  When the toxic control freak was gone, all of the issues were of no importance to me.   

I still have boundaries, I'll still confront quickly, and I still have no problem tossing people out of my life, when they earn it.  There are Christians I don't like, but I do love them.   I still have broken relationships with some Christian people.  I don't like them right now, and they aren't allowed in my life.  I know God is working in them and me.   God knows how to fix things up, and I'm content to wait on His perfect way of bringing things about.

We have to allow people to be who and what they are.  We have to allow people to have the consequences they've earned for themselves.  We can love, forgive, hope and pray, but still not like people who want to control and manipulate others.   Simply being a Christian doesn't fix all problems and relationships.   Sometimes people are simply too toxic for relationship.

Lonnie

Eat the fruit and spit the pit

"The famous, evangelical Anglican, Charles Simeon was asked once whether he was a Calvinist or an Arminian. His reply was, “Calvinist one day and Arminian the next, as the text demands.”

My dear brothers and sisters in Christ, and I sincerely mean that you are dear to me.   Having said that I have an issue I'd like to take up with you.   It's this little matter of Arminianism vs. Calvinism.   My parents were Methodist, so I can't ever remember a time without the "debate".   Even as an agnostic I'd have been a fair hand at defending the Arminian position.  I couldn't tell you a thing about the teachings of Christ, but Arminianism I knew very well.  

At the age of 19 I kicked God out of my life, and after 7 years gratefully welcomed Him back.  The moment after I received Him back into my life, I could have fought a Calvinist tooth and nail, and still made a very good showing.   After a few years of study, I could stand toe to toe with a Calvinist and quote support texts from the OT and NT.  I debated a learned Calvinist, and was told, "I've never met an Arminian who could debate with me the way you have."   Point for point, reason for reason, verse for verse, I was indefatigable. (Love that word indefatigable).   It was a draw, the Calvinist and the Arminian left the debate more firmly entrenched each in his own position.   

I did undergo a fairly substantial shift in my beliefs, but not due to any arguments.   I was reading the Bible and what I read convicted me that there were some things in the Arminian position which are wrong.  I won't digress into the nature of the change here .   I want to talk about an even greater change, which brought me a wholly new perspective on differing theological perspectives.  

For three and a half years I attended a church pastored by a man who believed and taught Word of Faith theology.   You may know it by another name, "health and wealth gospel," or by a more derogatory nickname, "Name it claim it, blab it grab it" theology.  It was a nightmare.   In the interest of brevity, there were very good reasons God wanted me in that church, none of which became apparent during my time there.   

Every time someone taught the Bible with a Word of Faith twist, it was like dragging fingernails across a chalk board.  I pleaded with God to let me leave, or at least to give me some reason why He insisted I stay there.   There was one thing that happened there that was one of Gods greatest blessings to me.  

I'd been attending for about a year.   It was early October, and pastor had just closed the Sunday service.  I was near the front, and as I gathered my possessions I looked at the back of the sanctuary.  There was huge woman standing at the back of the room.  "Woman?"   That's no woman its a MAN!   He was a 6'3", 300 pound wall of mostly muscle, wearing a cornflower blue dress, covered in quarter sized white polka dots!   He wore white stocking stretched over tree trunk legs.  He'd pulled little white cotton gloves over his massive mitts.  Topping it off was a blond wig, a wide brimmed, white, straw hat, and make-up applied by paint roller!   Lord what a mess!!  I wasn't bothered a bit, but prayed he'd escape before someone chased him out the door swinging a Bible.   

Pastor knew of my past in homosexuality, so he openly discussed the matter with me.   I told him I'd prayed the man would escape unmolested.  Pastor said, "That's exactly what I'd planned to do, let the guy get out without saying much to him."  "The Holy Spirit impressed upon my heart not to let the guy get away," he said with a chuckle.  Pastor invited him into his office and closed the door behind them.  Pastor is about 5'7" and the transvestite outweighed him by nearly 150 lbs.   You have never seen so many nervous and shaking deacons and elders in your life!!   The transvestite could easily have harmed pastor, or worse, before anyone got to them.  And more people would have been badly hurt once they got to the guy.   What no one else, but me, knew was that this wasn't just a big tranny, this was a big, PISSED OFF, tranny!   When a man shows up wearing a dress, at a very conservative Pentecostal church, he's scrapping for a fight.   At first there was silence outside pastor's office, but suddenly the surrounding walls, windows, and doors shook from the loud, furious shout of a man bellowing from the tips of his toes.  People outside the building heard.  

A week or so after the visit, I asked pastor what had happened.  He said, "Almost as soon as I got the door closed he started yelling about Christians being hateful, bigoted, hypocrites."   Pastor continued, "I calmly told him, 'I can see you've been talking to Christians and I'm sorry."   Pastor then said the most amazing thing.  He said, "I can see you are hurting, and I just want to know if you and I could agree on one thing, that we both need Jesus."  Four times the angry transsexual started a verbal beat down on pastor, and four times pastor said, "I am not going to argue with you. Could you and I simply agree on one thing, that we both need Jesus?"   Finally, the man said, "Okay, I agree, we both need Jesus." Pastor replied, "Thank you, and with this understanding I'd like to pray for you, that Jesus will come and touch you."   At this point in his story a big smile broke across pastor's face, and he said, "The power of the Holy Spirit moved this guy, he nearly fell over on top of me."   He went on, "You could see this guy's whole face change, all the anger drained out, and it became peaceful."   "Man, it was powerful!"  By this time I was fighting back tears.  

He'd handled the situation perfectly.   I asked pastor a question, I already knew the answer to, "In Bible College how many classes did you have on how to deal with this kind of situation."  Pastor laughed, and said, "We never had any kind of training to prepare us for that."   I asked, with a sly half grin sliding up my face, "Then how did you know what to do?"   Pastor, still smiling broadly, said, "I trusted the Holy Spirit to lead me."   I responded, "I want you to know you handled the situation just exactly right."   He said, "I know, it was the Holy Spirit."   When I got to my car I broke down weeping. 

So, what's my point?   Eat the fruit, but spit the pit.  Not everything the pastor taught was error.   When the guy wasn't teaching from the beliefs, peculiar to Word of Faith theology, his message was Biblically sound.   Am I now defending Word of Faith theology?   I can't do that,  but I also can't, in good faith, defend all Church of Christ theology, Lutheran theology, Baptist theology, Assemblies of God theology, Episcopalian theology, Catholic theology, Greek Orthodox theology, Arminian theology, or Calvinist theology.  Both Arminius and Calvin were right and both were wrong.   He who throws Calvin or Wesley out the window is foolish, and he who thinks either got it completely right is equally foolhardy. 

God told us all about it centuries before either Arminius or Calvin were even born.  1 Corinthians 13:9-12

For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known. 

Until we are face to face with Christ all our fruit is going to have pits.  Jesus taught that a tree could be judged by its fruit.  We, His children, judge our fellow Christians not by fruit, but by the pits in their theology.  We expose their pits all the while singing the praises of the fruit of our own theology.  Was Wesley all pits and no fruit?   Was Calvin all fruit and no pits?   Wesley, saw dimly, and Calvin knew in part.   Until we see Christ face to face there will be fruit and there will be pits.   

If you tell me my former pastor's theology is the pits, I'll have to agree, but we need to acknowledge the fruit as well.   We simply can't go on ignoring the 6'3", 300 lb, PISSED OFF, tranny wearing the cornflower blue dress covered with quarter sized white polka dots, in the room!  

Reminds me of a story about Jesus.  Jesus was hangin out with a Samaritan woman by a well,  then His disciples walked up, suddenly, while at the same time the Samaritan woman was walking away.   It looked very suspicious to the disciples, that He, a Jew, and a great holy prophet, to boot, would be talking to a Samaritan woman.   See, according to Jewish theology Samaritans were God forsaken, half breed, low down dogs.  No Jewish man, most especially a great high holy prophet Jew, would ever be alone with, or speak to a Samaritan woman.  Jesus' own disciples were stuck on what they perceived were the pits in Jesus theology!   Jesus says, "LOOK BOYS!"   "Look at this mission field!"   "It's ripe for the picking, and all you have to do is ask Me, and then haul them right into My kingdom!"  Isn't this great!"   All the disciples wanted to know is why Jesus, a great high holy prophet Jew, was talking to a God forsaken, half breed, low down dog,Samaritan woman.  They wanted to dig out Jesus' theological pits, but ignore the fruit.   

Now some of you will accuse me of imposing a meaning on the Biblical text which it can't have.  You'll tell me it is impossible for me to know what the disciples were thinking.  It's impossible to know whether they were focused on the perceived pits, or the fruit Christ is indicating.   Oh, but you're wrong.  I know with 100% certainty that Jesus' disciples are digging out pits, and ignoring fruit.   Would you like to know how I know this?   It's simple...Two thousand years later Jesus disciples are still doing it!  See, this is the tradition for all of Christ's disciples going all the way back to the first!   God in the flesh had to deal with pit pickers!   How else would anyone ever know we were Jesus' disciples if we weren't a bunch of pit picking nincompoops?!   Ignore the fruit, focus on the pit, that's the way to do it.   

If you've got a room of 500 people and you want to know who in it is Christian, and their denominational affiliations, all you need is one staunch Calvinist.  You put the staunch Calvinist in the room, and before long there will be a heated debate.   As the fight gets hotter and hotter you'll be able to walk around the people who will have clustered themselves according to belief, level of education in religion, denomination, and etc.  You'll be able to find the Arminians, the other Calvinists, the Catholics, Baptists, and etc.   All of the people who don't hold very strong denominational convictions, aren't Christians, or who are more mature Christians, will have left the room in disgust.  

Eat the fruit, and spit the pits.  If we're ever going learn how to deal with the 6'3", 300 lbs., PISSED OFF, tranny, wearing a cornflower blue dress, covered in quarter sized white polka dots, we're going to have learn to focus on the fruit of the Holy Spirit, and learn not to focus on the theological pits.   I didn't say ignore the pits completely.   Sometimes it really is all pits and no fruit. 

Behold, I say to you, lift up your eyes and look on the fields, that they are full of 6'3", 300 lbs., PISSED OFF, trannies, wearing cornflower blue dresses, covered in quarter sized white polka dots." John 4:35

Okay, I might have taken a little bit of liberty with John 4:35.   But you get the point.

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34-35

Lonnie